Journal

2011-01-16T20:14:00.000-08:00

I know you better than you know yourself. I know your fears, I know your thoughts, I know your deepest vulnerabilities. I am not ignorant of who you think yourself to be. I see something all-together larger, and more beautiful, that expands far beyond your ego's actions. This is why I married you. I gave you a rib from my stomach, like Adam to Eve, and you took it to mean the whole thing. And like Eve, you have made the mistake of seeking knowledge. I am not eternally wounded by your actions, because your actions do not ripple into eternity; they crumble in the face of time. My love is not affected by your boasting, there is no impedance to my flame. I love her more than you do. I know her more than you do. I know you more than you do. I know where you came from, I see where you're going. I am not boasting. You may never know the method to my existence. I am given perspective that you are not, because I seek God in ways that you do not. I was not acting out of desperation, nor some childish need for attention. She was not some desperate fantasy, nor hopeless illusion. I chose my affections well. You choose what chooses you. Everything of mine is conventional, except my heart. Everything of yours is organic, save your love. My love is organic, yours is not love at all. Read the fine print on the back marked; "Ego's Preservatives"

2011-01-14T16:48:00.000-08:00

looking forward to breaking the backs of the demons that have offended me. i owe a lot of debt to the bank of ass-kicking. i have a sexy woman by my side, a sexy mind, and some sexy speakers ready to drop some sound bombs.

2009-11-01T23:06:00.001-08:00

me: Yeah.

I'm an electronic musician.

anything: can you explain why?

you're an organic musician Austin.

don't ever say that agin.

again*

2009-10-17T18:03:00.000-07:00

Epic journey, rude awakening. Thank you Audio Alkemy for saving my ass. I owe you one.
It's been a night and day of death and rebirth, shedding old skins, and growing new ones. I'm popping out of my cocoon, and my wings cover the earth. It's been almost a year since the first Cosmic Spirit Gathering. I think new order is in order.

2009-10-16T12:05:00.000-07:00

"Once a Pisces finds a woman that he wants, he will just give anything to her. Nice and luxurious things, his time, even more, his life. He will really do whatever he can to please his woman and to make her dream come true. A Pisces knows the value of a great woman in his life and will really appreciate a relationship. He will work hard to keep that relationship with her. In choosing a woman, Pisces usually doesn't really care about physical appearance. What matters most for him is what she has inside."

2009-10-09T21:32:00.000-07:00

I don't think I've ever been so free. I don't think I've ever cared less about anything. Butterflies are coming out of my chest. I want nothing more than to find someone to share my ecstasy with. I'm going to get swallowed up in the ocean. I feel like making this my last week on this planet, all the work that people are doing, I've finished it. How blissed out would we all be if we knew the world would spontaneously disappear after a week? I'm designing a universe and I'm including that perk.
You don't know what life is until you stop caring.

Society is increasingly resembling a swamp. I'm running to Freedom. Everybody's so sad?! WTF are we doing?! Don't you know it's INTERNATIONAL STOP CARING DAY!

I'll probably end up in a mental ward someday. . .

2009-10-08T12:22:00.000-07:00

I'm fucked up but in a beautiful way. The only thing that makes sense to me is music, I don't have the drive to do anything but pluck at the strings and push my vocal chords until I die. It seems like life is just fuel for the vehicle of art. I see everything that we make ourselves do day-in-day-out, and it's all one giant chaotic din that resembles the sound of a large combustion engine, and our consciousness has only two options: overdrive the engine with the mundane shitfuel of life, or spit it out and make something beautiful. "Existence is output." I understand what that means again. Output, or die. No matter where you stand in the ranks of the populace, if you're an artist, you're fundamentally the same as every other artist, because you tap into the ONE CONSCIOUSNESS, and that's your reward. It doesn't matter if you're on a street corner or on a stage, there is only one true reward from your creation; you tap into the matrix. If you're focusing on others' perceptions you are missing art, that's why most popular artists, although externally productive, are internally blind. Through art, through active, spontaneous mathematics, we can connect the dots of our entire beings, and the "day-in-day-out" becomes eternity. Align your thoughts, emotions, perceptions, and actions, and realize reality.

2009-10-05T13:51:00.000-07:00

Revelations and truth borne in Glosoli. It's funny how people are anxious to do so much with their lives, like time is running out and you only have one chance to swim in the pool of everything, as if time itself were the only substance that ruled your life, the only material it was constructed of. Well, real music says time has nothing to do with life, in fact, life lives outside of time. If you live in time, you're dead. The only life there is, is eternal. This song gives the greatest advice anything can ever give, the only advice: calm down. You don't have to pay attention to the feelings that come up, you don't have to react to your thoughts, you can let them float away in the empty void, let the notes carry them into nothingness, and just be. You feel like you have to see everything, visit every nook and cranny in this world, but, truthfully, you've already seen it. And I daresay there are other places, not just in this world. The system of thought that we've created collectively has got us running as if we're in a race, as if we're racing time, racing the planet, or (Heaven forbid) racing other humans! It's even got you thinking that you're racing yourself! How can you race yourself? YOU ARE YOURSElF! In every quantum wave-function, all at once! This is not a race, you're just embarrassing consciousness. Nature does not want you to race. She wants to be embraced. She is your mother, and your mother is you, and you are your child, and your child is you. NOTHING NEEDS TO BE DONE WITH YOUR LIFE. Just bask. The universe has taken care of everything that needs to be done. She is ancient. Pay attention to the word ancient. It means it was here before you, and it knows more than you do. It's a piece of you stored in the maze of time, waiting to be discovered. You know what all this is, every last bit of it? It's YOU playing with YOURSELF. Suffering is a game. Eating, sleeping, breathing, crying, fucking, loving, it's all just a beautiful game that you're playing with yourself, nobody else cares, even if you're fucking them they don't care, nobody else is here! It's just you. It's always been just you, it'll always be just you, so grab some cake, and shove it in your mouth, and consume it!

I love you. I really do.

2009-09-29T16:37:00.000-07:00

Someone once told me that during tough times, you can always listen to the radio, and it will provide you with the spiritual guidance you need. Like the airwaves are guided by God, and God speaks through the music. Today has been the best day I've had in a long time. My Grandpa and I labored on my van to fix an oil leak, we spent all day together trying to replace the gasket cover, with little hope that that was even the cause of the problem. To see him work with such fervor, with virtually no concern as to the effectiveness of his efforts, brought me to revelation. If man were not always able to work with a blind-eye to the future, humanity would not have made it close to this point. If promise of success were the only incentive for working, or surviving, then none of this would be as it is. Yet we love each other and aid each other, relentlessly, ruthlessly, and it is the source that fuels our evolution.

The first twenty years of my life are coming to a close, and finally I can say "I'm ready." The lessons are becoming clearer. Man's greatest virtue is not to be the prettiest, the smartest, the best, it is to set aside his ego, and recognize his connection to the infinite. Set down the mental structures that have driven you to achieve, the selfish formulas that rule your mind, accept everything as it is, because it is.

I loved someone once that had a smile that Heaven couldn't replicate. I admired her so much for it, and today I wore that smile, the smile of pure joy and pure gratitude, if you've seen it then you know what happiness looks like. What did it for me? Driving home with my Grandpa, on the freeway, nothing but the sound of cars and music. "You are a butterfly, and butterflies are free to fly. . ." The sun was shining, and we were light as a feather, and for once, I saw life in him. The life that was always there. I recognized that in all those moments shared, my past with him, I had simply overlooked it.

"Rock out like your grandfather came back from the dead, and he's cruisin with you in your brand new car."

I have a name for it; "Galactica"

2009-09-28T18:20:00.000-07:00

I'm not saying music's better than people, but there are certain things that only music can caress.

2009-09-20T18:16:00.001-07:00

"It don't look right, in broad daylight, it don't look right to me.
If you win the rat race, if you come in first place, then a rat is all
you will be."

Sweet Home, get ready.

2009-09-19T20:44:00.000-07:00

Nobody can love you as much as you can love yourself.

2009-09-19T20:43:00.001-07:00

What does it mean to love?

THIS!

2009-09-13T22:34:00.000-07:00

Whatever level of life you're stuck on, whatever channel of ego you're stuck in, know that this moment holds every dream you could possibly imagine. From this moment, stems the entirety of the universe. The only thing that blocks you from feeling the the touch of God within you, is your expectations beyond what is given to you in the here and now. Beyond here and now, you are nothing. Here and now, you are everything.

2009-09-11T17:29:00.001-07:00

If there's a universe, then it better be perfect. Because I fucken say so. If anybody has any issues with a perfect universe, they can come to me.

2009-08-08T22:29:00.000-07:00

"If the whole world would see things from this perspective, it'd be a lot more present."

2009-08-03T19:48:00.000-07:00

"I have this ongoing argument with Nellee Hooper where I say falling in love is a bad replica of making music, and he says, no, sort your shit out Björk, music is a replica of people falling in love! What is copying what? I don't know, maybe it's because everybody's got one sense stronger than the other. Some people's got the eye, some people got the body or athletics, mine is definitely the ear. You can go through a day in your life with all the relationships you've got going on and your friends and your work and it's just fucked up. The minute you put the right song on, suddenly everything makes sense."

2009-07-29T13:03:00.001-07:00

If you break these moth wing feelings
Powdering dust on your fingers
Well now were not prayin’ were kneelin’

Hard enough just to say you believe them
Well how the heck did you think you could beat them
At the same time that your trying to be them

Hard enough just to say you don’t need it
When they took it up while you were still eating
Well satellite, satellite skin

Just to know, just to say you don’t realize it
Well everyone’s willing to listen
Oh satellite, satellite skin

You can say what you want your forgiven
Well happy fucking congratulations.
Well everyone, everyone wins

Just like being my own solar system
Doing good things but they totally eclipse them
Oh whats the use, oh what the hell

If you break these moth wing feelings
Butterfly knives in the ceiling
Well everyone, everyone's waiting

Detachments gets praised and completed
You can say what you want and not mean it
Well no one really seems to be waiting

If you sweep up this mess I created
Nothings left to show I existed
Oh satellite, satellite skin

Asking for a question
Was it easier to say then was actually done?
Do you even believe them?
Do you even believe that there’s a race to be won?

If you break these moth wing feelings
I have seen it all become satellite skin
Opening some eyes

A knack to know that it’s their opinions
Get stacked in all those usual avoided spots
Just to tell you I could not have seen
Through to the gist of those unhappy,
Happy accidents.

2009-07-29T11:18:00.000-07:00

Freedom is the only way to be. Find her, and you find everything.

2009-07-29T10:09:00.000-07:00

Found my "shadow" last night.

A man with an ego the size of Spain, controlling his woman like she were a thoroughbred slave, both completely satisfied with their positions in space, both completely unaware of any greater prospect. Content, that's what they were. Content as the flames that burn down a forest. Content as the tidal wave that drowns cities. Content as the gun that takes human lives.

That man is everything I see in me that I wish not to be. Jung calls it my shadow. I have seen evil, it's hidden deep in every psyche, and accessible to all who take the initiative to look. We're capable of creating much darkness in our own realities, and sexual energy is it's folding point, the thin sheet of paper between love and lust. Make no mistake, lust is the urge to control, the desire for power, nothing more. Witness yourself, I give you only truth.

Horse and I? We're Dancers in the Dark.

2009-07-28T23:31:00.000-07:00

2009-07-27T21:54:00.000-07:00

I finally have had time to meditate again, and returning inward I have discovered some terrific things, a garden within me has grown greener since I left it. I found my inner-child, and discovered that it had run away with what is now the memory of my past lovers. Been revisiting old memories, of childhood, not of lovers. The lovers, I now know, were vessels of light upon my image in space-time, who's energies have recovered and renewed my old memories, replacing them with altogether lighter ones, or erasing them completely, and so I keep loving until I reach the center. One after another, and the pain from the last that was left behind is erased and replaced by the light of the one that is spinning towards me, forever, anon, this is the Sacred Spiral.

The universe is but the mind of One, one "zero" that is, and in it you are but a thought. A picture, a dream, a figment of its imagination. We never really exist, without the reel of time being placed in front of us, we would not have a clue. The reel that I speak of is the reel that is constantly spinning images before our mind, placing a moving picture into our consciousness like a never-ending kaleidoscope, of which the cogwheels are your organs, and its surface is a sphere. The human body is a projector of reality. Listen, the human body is a project through which reality projects itself.

In my dreams I discover the truth about memories. The difference between what we think we remember, and what we truly remember, lies deep in the cellars of our consciousness, and the heart is the only way in. The Heart is the only recording device of the Human Consciousness, all else is volatile in relation to the Life of the Earth. The memories that cycle through real time are stored in your spirit in what you might call "Morse Code", the data's stored in beats, heartbeats, and no matter how much apparent "time" you spend in an experience, your memories will consist only of moments beyond time, when your heart was present, when your heart was beating acutely. That is your memory.

You see, Paige, that is why I don't remember you. I do not hurt for you, I do not see you, because you never really existed in relation to my heart.

The only way to control your heartbeat is through the breathe. Stopping time is simple, just stop breathing, or breathe to a tempo that goes unnoticed in the apparent movement of "space".

2009-07-26T23:41:00.000-07:00

Moby was shot in the back of the head!? No. Go fish.

2009-07-24T15:00:00.001-07:00

Paramore, No Doubt. I don't think I could catch that tour without sprinkling my pants.

2009-07-23T14:15:00.000-07:00

I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you.

2009-07-21T02:12:00.001-07:00

When you're done talking up a storm, and you realize that all you've done your whole life is talk, and think, and move, when there's nothing left to do or be, you'll hear music. And you'll wish you had made it.

2009-07-20T14:07:00.000-07:00

I wake up in the morning, and I don't know who I am until I play music.

2009-07-17T11:49:00.000-07:00

I'm a fountain of blood, in the shape of a girl,
you're the bird on my brim, hypnotized by the whirl,
drink me make me feel real, wet your feet in my stream,
game we're playing is Life,
Love's a two-way dream.

2009-07-12T12:26:00.000-07:00

Danced to Michael Jackson last night at a strange "Debuton Ball". It was a party of chicks dressed in prom dresses, and a small group of guys along the wall. Saw my favorite Wild Flower. "PDA". In a daze. Bought a tour bus. Thinkin about calling it "Death Star", not sure yet. It's white. Listening to Bjork right now. Unravel.

Drifting away, Jimmy cracked corn, and I don't care.

2009-07-10T23:18:00.000-07:00

I see angels. Angels in this very room. Now I may be mad, but that doesn't mean that I'm not right. Because there's another force at work here. There always has been. It's undeniable, we've all experienced it, everyone in this room has witnessed events that they can't fathom, let alone explain by any rational means. Puzzles, deciphered in prophecy. Dreams, given to a chosen few. Our loved ones, dead. Risen. Whether we want to call that "God", or "Gods", or some "sublime inspiration", or "a divine force that we can't know or understand", it doesn't matter. It's here. It exists. And our two destinies are entwined in its force.

If that were true, then how do you know that God, this force, has our best interests in mind? How do you know that God is on your side?

I don't. God is not on any one side. God's a force of nature. Beyond Good and Evil. Good and Evil, we created those. You want to break the cycle? Break the cycle of Birth, Death, Rebirth, Destruction, Escape, Death? Well that's in our hands. And our hands only. It requires a leap of faith. Requires, that we live in hope, not fear.

2009-07-09T13:37:00.001-07:00

It's been the most amazing times. Late-night bicycle moon dances in SLO, Brand New Love, Brand New Connection, and Brand New Expansions.

I met my soul the other night.

Hello.

I've waited here for you. Everlong.

2009-07-06T11:39:00.001-07:00

Esalen. Esalen. Esalen. Met a Gemini. Galactic Butterfly. Found a hole in time and space, danced around in it. Opening old connections that have been in a cocoon for a while, and are now hatching. I remember you. You were with me before this all started. We danced in light together, we sang in shadows. Lovers, they called us.

2009-07-02T02:03:00.000-07:00

Natasha Khan, I love you with all my heart.

.

2009-07-02T00:18:00.000-07:00

Love is not difficult to manifest. All you have to do is look. Thank you, Paige, for opening up my true love life, for my true love life is not with you, it is with everybody, and it is through the freedom of my being that I hold this connection to all life everywhere, and cherish it, and hold it dear. If I had only one thing to say, it would be; I love you. Because all other words surround only that phrase. Whether it be through the language of music, of mathematics, of bodies, of mouths, of ideas, or thoughts, every meaning, every gesture, expresses only a single truth. That truth, is love. Nothing can stop me now, nothing can hold me back. Nothing stood a chance against my heart, nothing ever will. I'm going to make the music I was born for, I'm going to share the songs I came here to play. I love you. And I know you love me too. And you don't have to say a thing.

2009-07-01T07:12:00.001-07:00

This is my last entry before Rainbow. All I can say is; I have nothing to say.

.

2009-07-01T07:09:00.000-07:00

2009-06-29T15:50:00.001-07:00

Best fuckin day ever. Not even over yet. Getting in touch with my divine mother light, breakin it down, raw and organic movement. Music's bursting like a volcano, relationships are flowering, manifesting healthy, no-bullshit relationships.

Falling more and more in love with Life every day.

High.

Off the map.

2009-06-29T07:47:00.001-07:00

Breaking useless addictions to space-time.

2009-06-28T12:05:00.000-07:00

2009-06-22T08:43:00.000-07:00

I have a new secret crush on Feist. (Don't tell anybody).

2009-06-18T14:41:00.000-07:00

I like the idea of being part of someone's dreams. I think that's why I'm most comfortable communicating through art. I'd much rather be a part of someone's dream than their reality. If I shake hands with you, I'd rather it be in the pool of all your thoughts, all your imaginings, all of you fears and desires, it would cut a lot of work out for me. Save me some time.

2009-06-15T23:52:00.000-07:00

There is not a woman on the earth that surpasses her in beauty. All women stand before her and cower in her radiance, and seek to imitate it. Her body is the archetype from which all other bodies flow. If the universe were a dream, she'd be real. Her voice is the music of a thousand stars, infinite parallels of color conjunct in a single beam of light, the endless silver thread from which all thoughts are woven into dreams, from which dreams are spun into reality, the matrix visible only to those who seek to know its truth, the matrix, is her body. Her body is the matrix of all things.

I cannot speak to her directly not even in ultimate form, because her roots abide within me. If she were not a goddess, I would certainly be no god, much less a man. If she were not infinite, I would certainly not exist, I take space only as quickly as she expands it, and even at her slowest she is faster than me. She is the Ocean, the Sea, the Wind and Clouds are her voice, the Mountains her breasts, the sound of all creatures is her song.

2009-06-13T08:39:00.000-07:00

and in your life, my infinite dreams live

2009-06-11T16:12:00.000-07:00

And the river shall open for the righteous. . .

2009-06-07T23:13:00.000-07:00

Nothing can stifle the amazing gratitude I have for my family. Nothing is more pure or true than what I share with those who've raised me, and been with me throughout my life. There is no need to lie or connive, no need to hurt with these people. Nothing but pure, 100% support for each other. All we have is support. On this full moon I take the opportunity to appreciate my family fully. I could ask for nothing more in the world.

2009-06-07T13:09:00.001-07:00

It's difficult to think of who or what I am apart from the music. By now I've spent at least half of my life in song, and unless I'm sleeping, it rarely stops playing. Maybe when a dog barks, or a woman screams, or a truck drives by, but even those are consumed by the notes. Every event, every trivial episode in my life, is just another measure on the page. Wherever my life existed as something other than music, I'll never know. And I'll spend my whole life (with everyone beside me) living in a collective dream, wondering if I'm the only one who feels this pain, if I'm the only one who gets this ecstasy, boggled by the thought that this could possibly be everywhere, this could possibly belong to everyone as it belong to me.

That's why I exist. Because what I do, and what I am, belongs to everyone.

2009-06-05T17:03:00.000-07:00

I'm very SAD to say that we'll be saying goodbye to Vibration District Studios. Our good friend and producer Loom has finally pulled his head out of his ass, and started making his own music.

I've been listening to a lot of Blink 182 lately. I know the tides have changed, but that band will always be immortal to me. Their breakup really illustrated the power of the ego. I'm so happy to see them reunited.

I've been making food lately, I think I have a new passion for "non"cooking. My soup is sick.

In the near future I'm going to initiate some work with SPT for a "THIS" music video. One of my all-time favorite directors/writers, and greatest mentor, GRADY HALL just told me he'd help build the concept. I'm twinkling. With sparkles.

2009-06-03T23:56:00.001-07:00

Clean your room responsibly. Sort your recyclables (keep the plastic8s away from plastic7s)

2009-06-01T03:04:00.000-07:00

I LOVE KITTIES

This is Euphrates. Behind her, somewhere, is Tigris.
And of course, Crystal Panther (the black one).

2009-05-26T19:25:00.000-07:00

The Ranch

2009-05-24T21:14:00.000-07:00

2009-05-21T13:36:00.000-07:00

It's here. And I am grateful.

.

2009-05-10T14:41:00.001-07:00

Went to the Mojave for the full moon, little party in the middle of the desert.

Lots of DJs and hippies.

Spent some time at Sam's new ranch, felt like a decent vacation.

My camera spontaneously broke. I think it was aliens.

Back at home now, awaiting the album, working on shows for the Summer.

Found Bjork on Vinyl. Spent way too long staring at it.

2009-04-07T05:25:00.000-07:00

"If you rehearse for the sake of it it's like rehearsing sex, before you have sex. You don't go to your partner and say, Let's rehearse a bit and then we'll fuck after one hour. It doesn't make any sense.

-Bjork

2009-04-05T16:46:00.000-07:00

All is full of Love.

2009-03-28T20:34:00.000-07:00

The album is finished
and ready to go.

We've been navigating past relations.

Here are some photos from recent excursions.

Spent some time at Tsai Lai Temple, a Buddhist monastery.

This is the Garden of Enlightened Ones.

Reality.

2009-02-24T23:59:00.001-08:00

So here it is. THE WHOLE BIG THING. And it's not ganna go away, and you're not going to escape from it, but if it makes you feel better, you can move things around a bit.

Reality.

You fucken idiot.